Let me be the judge of that

You've been going over it for weeks. Go for the promotion, or step back from it. Put your energy into research, or into teaching. Stay where you are, or start looking.

You've made the lists and talked it through. You've lain awake running the options. And each time you think you're close, you end up back where you started.

If that sounds familiar, it can help to ask yourself who it is that you are trying to satisfy with these decisions.

Two judges

For many of the academics I work with, there are two people they are trying to satisfy, and both of them are versions of themselves.

The first is a younger version of you. The one who started out with a clear sense of what you'd achieve: the papers, the book, the research programme, and the career that would follow. When you think about stepping back, that self asks if you're letting them down.

The second is an older version of you, looking back. That self wants one thing from you: no regrets. When you think about staying put, it asks if you'll wish you'd been braver. When you think about leaving, it asks if you'll wish you'd held on. Then there is, of course, the bigger question presented by this version of ourselves. Career, health or family: which would you wish you'd given more to?

Neither of them knows what your life is like now, yet their opinions often end up making the decision for you.

Why you go in circles

The two judges want different things, and every option results in one of them being unhappy.

Protect your younger self's ambitions, and your older self may regret what it cost your health or your family. Protect your older self from regret, and you may feel you've let your younger self down. So you go back over it, hoping to find the option that satisfies both.

There isn't one, and that is what keeps us in this loop. It is not a lack of information, or of effort. You are asking a question that has no answer: which choice will leave no regret? Every path leaves something undone, and more thinking cannot produce an option that does not exist.

Sarsıkoğlu (2024) studied 331 university students and found that those who dwelt on what they should have done differently found every part of a career decision harder: feeling motivated, gathering information, and settling conflicts with themselves and others. The students were 18 to 25, and the study shows a link, not a cause. But the pattern may feel relatable at any point in your career.

Why it's so hard to stop going in circles

So why keep going round? It could be because of when the thinking happens. Your days are full, and there's rarely space to give a big decision proper attention. So it gets squeezed into the gaps: the drive home, the shower, the hour before sleep. In those moments there's nothing concrete in front of you, and you are already exhausted, so rather than try to generate new ideas, your mind reaches for the readily accessible past and the future instead. What did I want back then? How will I feel about this later? Going over it like this feels productive. It feels like you're working on the decision, even when you're only circling around it.

Watkins (2008) reviewed the evidence on repetitive thinking and found that dwelling on what things mean and what they imply tends to leave people more stuck than thinking concretely about what's happening and how to proceed.

In one study he cites (Pham & Taylor, 1999), students who imagined how they would prepare for an exam studied more and got better grades than students who imagined getting a top grade. This suggests that working out the next practical step tends to move you further than going over what it all means.

Your younger and older selves only speak in the abstract. They can tell you how you might feel about a decision, but they can't tell you what to do right now.

A fairer standard

Many of us are hard on our younger selves. We replay the course we chose, the job we took or the opportunity we turned down, and judge it by what we know now.

That isn't a fair standard. If a friend or a student told you about the same decision, you'd judge it by what they knew at the time. You'd probably say they did what they could with what they had.

So when you imagine your older self judging the decision you're making now, notice which standard they're using. The harsh standard isn't the only option available.

The future-you judge you're imagining is just a mental forecast. Your current mind is constructing it, whilst under current pressure. Gilbert and colleagues (2004) found that people tend to overestimate how much regret they will feel, because they are better at avoiding self-blame than they expect.

"Decision makers who pay to avoid future regrets may be buying emotional insurance that they do not actually need" (Gilbert et al., pp. 346)

That doesn't mean you'll feel nothing. Choosing one thing means giving up another, and that loss feels quite real. But a trade-off you chose is easier to live with than one that happened while you were stuck.

Let me be the judge of that

So what can you do when you notice you are stuck in these circles? Three things can help: listening to the two judges without letting them decide, handing the decision back to yourself, and accepting that clarity tends to come after you act.

You don't need to silence your younger and older selves. They do know a few things, and trying to shut them up rarely ends well! The younger self can remind you what you cared about before the job got this full. The older self can point to what you might regret leaving untried.

So let them speak and hear what they have to say, observe your reactions, and take a step back to notice where the different judgements are coming from. Then hand the decision back to the person who has to make it: you, now.

You won't get certainty first, and so it helps to limit expectations in this regard. Clarity rarely arrives ahead of a decision. It tends to arrive after you've taken a step and noticed how it felt, even though, looking back, we tend to remember things as having been clearer than they were (Roese & Vohs, 2012). Herminia Ibarra, who studies career transitions at London Business School, found that people rarely think their way into a new direction. They try things, notice what fits, and the clarity follows. If you wait until you feel ready, you may wait a long time.

Next time you catch yourself going round again, it might help to ask: whose voice am I listening to? And what would I decide if it were only up to me?

References

• Gilbert, D. T., Morewedge, C. K., Risen, J. L., & Wilson, T. D. (2004). Looking forward to looking backward: The misprediction of regret. Psychological Science, 15(5), 346–350.

• Ibarra, H. (2023). Working identity: Unconventional strategies for reinventing your career (Updated ed.). Harvard Business Review Press.

• Pham, L. B., & Taylor, S. E. (1999). From thought to action: Effects of process- versus outcome-based mental simulations on performance. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 25(2), 250–260.

• Roese, N. J., & Vohs, K. D. (2012). Hindsight bias. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 7(5), 411–426.

• Sarsıkoğlu, A. F. (2024). The relationship between time perspective and career decision-making difficulties. Current Psychology, 43(3), 2544–2554.

• Watkins, E. R. (2008). Constructive and unconstructive repetitive thought. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 163–206.

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Hi, I am Wendy.

I work with academics to help them build sustainable careers so they can progress with autonomy, intellectual challenge and impact.

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With me you can expect to achieve:

• A comprehensive mapping of where you are now, and where you want to be.

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• Emotional support and understanding.

• Confidence to make decisions to support your future personal and professional life.

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